Coach Trip to Clacton with Friends, and Beryl’s Handbags

I was intending to go to Orpington again (to visit family) last weekend but rang to cancel it when I suddenly remembered that it was Meg’s 71st birthday on Sunday and I had earlier promised to go round for tea on that day.  I remembered when Meg said she had received two early birthday cards on Thursday – which was just as well because it gave me time to go out and get her one myself, thus saving my bacon without her knowing I had “forgotten” her birthday.

This coming Sunday I am booked to go to Clacton for the day with Beryl, Joanna, Beryl’s Mum, Justice, Tome (the Dial-a-Ride driver Beryl’s Mum uses), Reg – a doddery old man who lives next door to Beryl’s Much, and Vic – the retired man Beryl tried to get me interested in some time ago.  What a peculiar group we are going to make.  If the weather doesn’t improve I can see us spending the day in some Café or other to keep out of the wind and rain.  Maybe I should take another exercise book along with me to give you a running commentary of everyone’s strange antics.  I can just imagine us all.  Reg, talking about his arthritic hip; Beryl’s Mum talking about her arthritic neck and saying “Wot?” all the time because she is deaf, then turning her Hearing Aid up so it squeaks and Squawks and Whines, until Beryl or Justice shouts at her “Turn it down Mum” “Wot” she’ll reply.

Then Vic, rambling on about how much money he has saved in the Bank and Building Society and how much his coin collection is worth, ad infinitum.

Justice and Joanna having an argument and shouting at each other, whilst Beryl spots a handbag shop and spends an hour inspecting the goods before buying one – only to decide when she in on the Coach it isn’t suitable and it must be returned.

Meanwhile, if I haven’t already gone round the bend I shall be quietly going bananas or will “shut off” and wander off on my own and get lost or forget where the Coach is or what time I have to be back by.

Yes, thinking about it, it is a recipe for chaos and confusion – we have all the right ingredients!!

My comments about Beryl and the handbag are serious.  She has a peculiar obsession for buying handbags and then returning them for one reason or another and has managed to involve all of us in her time.

Justice had to go all the way to Brighton last summer after Beryl had been there for a day out and came home with a handbag.

I have returned one to John Lewis for her on two occasions (she paid my fares).

Joanna has returned numerous handbags, and poor Justice had returned so many at one point last year that he became confused and tried to get a refund in Selfridges for a handbag bought from John Lewis.

Each time there is a family row and Beryl says she won’t buy any more handbags – then a week or so later she says “This handbag I’ve bought will have to go back, now I’ve got it home I realise it isn’t really what I wanted” and then everyone says in chorus “Here we go again - - I’M not taking it this time” – “No, I’ll take it myself” says Beryl, but usually somebody else ends up making a journey, all fares paid, of course.

In an effort to put an end to this, Tony (Beryl’s husband) bought her a real leather handbag costing over £100 but Beryl won’t use it because it is such an expensive item she is frightened of getting it marked.  Last week Tony insisted she use it and took her into Woolwich for a Chinese meal to christen it.  I was at her Mother’s when they returned and was highly amused to see that although Beryl had taken it out and had put her purse and other bits and pieces in it, the bag itself was not being used as one would normally use a handbag but was safely placed inside TWO ordinary plastic shopping bags to protect it!

Tony said there was no point in her taking it out in the first place if she was going to hide it, but Beryl said if she took it out of the plastic bags it might get scratched or marked, and when Tony asked why she needed two plastic bags to hide it in, Beryl said that just one might not be enough protection.

Grace Russ - 9th June 1988