Women Enjoying Themselves
THERE is nothing funnier than a woman intent on making a day of it, and treating herself and a friend to good things. There is a want of system about the whole affair – a sort of insane impromptuism – which must astonish any masculine observer, especially as regards the eating. A man stalks into a restaurant, makes straight for one table, hangs up his had, takes a seat, beckons the waiter, says, shortly – “Beefsteak, ale, and apple dumpling!” or as the case may be, amuses himself, pending its production, by reading the morning paper, eats and drinks with all possible despatch, has the exact change to deposit with his check upon the desk, and is cooler than a cucumber during the whole proceeding. How different it is with a woman. She enters, or, they enter rather – (for there are generally two of them) – look about for a table, consult together in a whisper, cross to the other side, find the sun in their eyes and take another table, discover a draught and change again, knock down a castor, two chairs, and all the straw hats, with their flounces*; and when the waiter says – “Give your orders, mum!” reply “The bill-of-fare**.”
Some time is devoted to perusing this valuable pamphlet and deciphering the pen-and-ink additions at the bottom, over which they always make mistakes.
“Turpentine pie and raw potatoes! Dear me! what does that mean, waiter?”
Waiter ponders. “Don’t know, mum. ‘Low me to look, mum? Oh! I see. That there ain’t turpentine pie, mum; it’s pineapple pie, mum; and them’s raw tomatoes, mum.”
“Robins on toast. Are they good, waiter?”
“Most folks like them, mum.”
“Martha, what’ll you have?”
“I don’t know. What’ll you have?”
“I’m sure I can’t think?” Further reference to the bill-of-fare.
Waiter, inquiringly – “Well, mum?”
Ladies in despair – “Oh, well; a cup of tea.”
Waiter – “Tea for two, mum?”
“Of course.”
The tea breaks the ice. Orders follow each other quickly. The most heterogeneous meal is compiles. Shad and lobster salad; cream cake and pork and beans; ice cream and beet a-la-mode; everything that happens to be in sight, with oceans of tea and coffee to wash all down, and lumps of sugar in the intervals. Finally, having eaten pastry enough to give a regiment the dyspepsia, the fair gormands*** arise to depart, and discover, either that they have nothing short of a twenty dollar bill in their porte-monnaies, or that they have had their pockets picked in the stage, or that they have spent every penny without knowing it.
They are in despair. The proprietor is disgusted, and the lounging devourers of tarts and sponge-cakes at the counter are highly amused; and the scene ends in confusion and trepidation, and a wish that “our William,” or “my John” were on the spot. Finally, matters being settle, the friends depart leaving a parasol, a shopping bag, and a parcel, upon the table, to be appropriated by the next occupant whose bump of acquisitiveness is highly developed.
* Flounces - a strip of pleated material used as a decoration or a trim
** Bill-of-fare - alist of dishes offered; a menu
*** Gormand can mean a lover of good food or a gluttonous eater.